10.8
说实话拉肚子只能吃点轻食,还好罗森的日式便当还算好吃。
10.9
A sense of fullness restrained the guilt sense of one who walked around with the world on mute.
10.11
Life with integral.
Resent it.
10.13
右手很疼,老实说我也不觉得我学得有多刻苦。
我感觉有些神经性敏感,很容易焦虑,比如我时不时就会焦虑周末的体测。
10.15
I forgot all the mixed feelings I felt today...
I just tried to convince me of the one chance to be accomplished within all my willings.
10.19
Discomfort caused by illness is so unbearable.
让我选一次我依然毫不犹豫地选择健康的一生。
FUCK YOU LOVE OR WEALTHY, GET OUT.
10.31
十月最后一天,月初安排的任务果然没有完成。时至今日我依然会产生时间还很多的错觉。
隐隐约约地怀疑自己能不能达到这个开玩笑一样的目标。
Since you're never able to go back...
While hard word never guarantee you a better outcome, I just don't wanna regret any more.
有一天我能承认自己的一切不足,不再以回到过去这种想法来逃避,那才是真正的成熟。
11.3
insomniacs
去了趟汉堡王,点了虾堡说售罄了没吃成,换给我一个四片芝士的鸡腿堡,晚上又觉得不用券可惜又吃了两个汉堡。
尽管如此,过了两三天我感觉我还是会想吃汉堡。
The one hunter for burgers LOL.
11.4
到十一月我才算完整地复习完一遍高数。
心情烦躁的时候重装一遍系统总给我一种难以言喻的舒爽,可能这也是一种怪病吧。
11.25
The fact is what I can't accpet.
Do you know how to admit the coming failure?

不便说的故事,如果不被写下来就会忘记。如果记下来又羞于分享,我一直是这种不知所谓的纠结性的人格。
如果你能不把文章中的“我”代入现在这个在敲击键盘的我,那就太好了。因为依据零零碎碎的回忆写出来的东西无法考据,这纯粹是依附与想象的真实。毕竟脸皮厚的我总是喜欢在回忆里美化自己的所作所为。
——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
青少年所保有的对异性朦朦胧胧的憧憬,我自顾自把它归结于一种对魅力的欣赏。不论怎么说,我绝不会把“它”归为喜欢或者爱这些复杂的东西。从小我就有这股疑惑,虽然快乐与悲伤是很容易区分开来的情感,但紧张与兴奋对我而言却容易混淆,以至于我对人能否认清自己的处境至始至终保有怀疑态度。所以我绝口不提这份难以言状的情感。
没有哪个男孩子会跟同性聊感性的话题,这种行为很刺激大男子主义少年们的心灵,好像这是一种示弱,与其啰啰嗦嗦而不如扬扬眉毛就让烦恼随风而去。相反,也没有哪个男孩子不喜欢与异性交流,一方面是本能地被若有若无的小魅力所吸引,比如身上淡淡的洗发水的香气;另一方面是可在同性面前显摆,把收到追捧作为夸耀的资本。
十四五岁的我总是有这种冲动,想要拿起手机给Z发信息。即使是找不到任何可以说下去的话,也仍然如此。
如果不是某些巧合,我们本不会说话。我从来不主动同陌生人搭讪。对一个在家外连“你好”和“让一下”都不习惯说大声的人来说,认识新朋友,尤其是异性简直是异想天开。我对交流的抵抗,一个原因我的牙列拥挤,不堪入目;更根本的原因是从小不停息的焦躁与不耐烦带来的后遗症。我总是不得不提高语速来使脱缰野马般奔腾的思维与沟通同步,久而久之变得难以清晰地表达,这不过是一个急性子话痨的作茧自缚罢了。
好在互联网很好地解决了问题,让交流基于文字。打字算是我的强项,不论是qwer还是九宫格我都已经熟练到闭眼默都不值一提的程度。我对互联网的技术自然是感恩戴德,虽然可以在外面扮酷,声称自己对交朋友并不看重,做一个我行我素的独行客。但骨子里我必须承认人类这个社交动物都是害怕孤独的,谁不希望有可以倾诉的对象呢。而网络给了我这个微小的机会。
十四五岁本来就是胡思乱想的年纪,我有满腔的情感无处倾泄,向一个漂亮的女孩子打开话茬也不足为奇了。但令人意外的是,我没想到我几箩筐的废话怎么也说不完。说到明明已经把该说的废话都说完了还不愿关灯睡觉,有的时候甚至在发消息的途中睡着。也许这就是可爱的女孩子的魅力,如果对面是个邋邋遢遢的抠脚大汉,光是想象他的回应就足以让人三句话放下手机。从落叶纷飞的十一月一直聊到那漫长而短暂的初三生活的结束,很多时候我们只是没话找话而已,却没有哪一方提出结束。因为分心用手机,写作业的效率自然是直线下降,我不敢说这对我的学习造成了多大影响,我也不想把中考的失利归结于此。我很不喜欢那些事后后悔责怪过去的自己做的不正确决定从而改变了人生轨迹的怪话。站在未来的制高点俯视从而批判过去的自己是无能的体现。
浑浑噩噩的每一天,我只是敲击着手机屏幕,说出一句又一句令人发笑的废话,等待另一端的回应。我感觉不到这无意义上的事情浪费时间会带来的良心的不安。我只是被可爱女孩子的依赖冲昏了头吧,相貌平平、能力中庸只不过有点做题的小聪明的我也能被青睐,这份事实怎能不让一个十五岁的男孩子狂喜呢。
但人终归是不满足的,虽然说了很多似有似无的暧昧的话,我们终究隔着一层无形的墙壁。在不会被爸妈没收手机的暑假,我第一次感到了厌烦。我意识到,并不是Z唯一的聊天对象,她有很多选择,而我并没有。这个事实让我感到了不快,她的好言与承诺并不能使我平静。我几次草率地妄图结束,但我的胆怯与自卑阻止了我。我在害怕,害怕回到孤独。有些话是没法跟好朋友说清楚的,人总是需要一个可以依赖又跟你本性不同的倾诉对象。
但事实上,我不得不选择。
高中的寄宿制生活无情地斩断这跟濒临崩裂的链条,我习惯了不能用手机无聊到难以入睡的漫漫长夜。只能听到蝉鸣的月夜,用手划过浅蓝色的蚊帐的我却感到难以言喻的轻松。我真想拎起写高中恋爱都能海誓山盟的小说作家的耳朵,让他们看看什么才是高中生活。除了学业,你什么都没有。对学业从小就无端烦躁但不得不从的我,每周短短的一天半假期只想逃避到纯粹快乐的虚拟世界中。Z对我还有一丝挽留,但我无数次拒绝了她的请求,连“告别”都没有说。在我不经意间,那份冲动自然而然的消失了,好像从未存在过。
我无视了她的每一条消息,在时间无情的碾压下,仅留的温存也随之逝去了。也许我只是不敢,我不愿再被那份懦弱束缚,让我又掉入对孤独恐惧的深渊之中,掉入那份如糖果般的泥泞。
我学会习惯了孤独的生活,这就是她对我而言的终点。
只是无端在教室遇到难解的数学题,我会想起Z的留言,那份仅留存在回忆里的温暖让我发笑,却又像一块揭不下来疤。我想甩掉这份情绪,不自觉地在演算纸上写下regret,然后划掉。
我只是不想这样。
再一次听到她的消息时,她有了男朋友。看到她久违的笑容,我为她高兴,又为自己内心的一丝的不甘心而发笑。不知过了多久,我失去了她的联系方式。我们就像毫无关系的过路人,相忘于江湖了。
只是握着手机的我不可避免地想到这些说不清道不明的过去,还有那份无法名状的情感。我不想承认那是“喜欢”,因为如果是另一个可爱的女孩子,也许我会做一样的事。不论怎么说,我们至始至终保持着那份纯真,做了一个朋友能够做到的全部,甚至我可以不害羞地夸口说这份关系超越了朋友。无话不谈、包容慰藉。那些曾经发生的种种不愉快我竟一丝也想不起来,回忆保护了人们对于过往的美好,将狰狞的部分小心地剥去。
我很感谢她,希望她一切都好,这是我一个愚笨不谙世事的小混蛋最真挚的祝福。

8.24
:( I hesitate to get a Filet-O-Fish for that sometimes you hesitate to accept the temptation.
You may feel weird when the place you are used to changed into something different for the palace you are used to turn into kindergarten. It occurred to me that I experienced something complex here.
Nevertheless, all these has become blurred past.
8.25
The day people may easily get sick for being rainy all day. The water from the deep grey reminded me of something forgettable.
8.26
Occasionally get Salmon sushi on Fuxing road which tasted weird.
Kamenrider Build is an interesting tokusatsu with some drawbacks. I am not a gay attorney which doesn’t mean the fact that I enjoy it.
8.27
Noobs like me can even get irritable n playing against easy AI.
Ant-man 2 is an amusing file while Familymart's sushi is unpalatable.
8.29
good anime: overlord
shit: beef patty
stupid act: forget to throw my takeaway bags
8.30
It's funny to be asked if I am a middle school student or not.
I screwed up for breaking my pc down for I turned my old screen into a better one. However, I touched the power button by accident. The same mistake led to the irreparable damage to motherland. The computer required one week to repair.
A good lesson to learn and painful cost I have to pay.
9.5
For some deterministic forces, the people who only have smartphone to kill his valuable time fell in love with Pokemon.
9.8
Eventually, I turn on the PC and see the desktop I can’t be more familiar with.
MAPLESTORY MONTH BTW
10.3
Strawberry,Pitaya.
The suffocating sweetness made me want to vomit.
11.8
Working on the digusting question from now to then…
Although there are quite a few people that love this song, it can’t touch me for that I have already heard another more acceptable version.
People always differ on scenes like this, right?
11.9
It's stupid to walk this far in order to retrieve your work from your dormitory.
Nevertheless, you had to do.
11.11
FUCK CODE ALL DAY
DAMN RIGHT
11.12
WORK THE FUCKING CUBIC SPLINE INTERPOLATION OUT AT 13:35
The moment that I realized my value made me addicted.
11.14
Ashe, love her who is actually a beauty.
11.16
So how do I feel today after long time spent on overwatch?
Your teammates don't seem to honor you work and feel nothing since human only focuses on themselves.
I got it that I overestimated my own ability and ridiculously expect too much from others.
11.17
I mean that guys like me may be have no interest in stupid love between Grindelwald and Dumbledore could have a good rest.
ANNOYING AND DISAPPOINTING SINCE I ONLY CAME 4 BEASTS.
TELL ME WHERE ARE THEY?
11.18
I still have trouble in social interactions, but I guess I am getting better.
11.22
2.40 pm btw
Maybe I should get rid of the habit of playing in bed.
I felt better than what I felt whenever this term.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Once insomnia, once illness.
11.24
(suffer from illness and frustration and lost again in the competitive test)
I know I still have a lot to work on.
I know I am not good, but I have already been jealous of others.
11.26
A MINOR SETBACK.
YES.
11.30
Feeling extremely good when you can stay at home alone. You know I was the one who is easily satisfied.
12.8
How could I stop considering about suicide?
Ever once.
12.12
Some people are wandering and wasting time on something useless, some people never dare to give up the thing they told to do which obviously obey the call of their heart.
The mediocre are all like these.
I am one of these billion.
12.23
I am gonna be a prodigy.
"You said this to cheer your fucking fragile heart up? The most joke I ever heard, thank you."
12.25
Chritsmas
I hate that I swear to grasp my aim while waste time wandering around…
I kept vomiting when I realized I just kill all I could have.
1.2
Feels mL7 man.
I have a bit more confident in my aim.
1.3
Today getting proud, tomorrow getting fucked.
1.5
The scene is far and the war is here.
1.6
Perturbed expectation.
1.10
WHAT A FUCKING UNLUCKY EXPERIENCE.
DISAPPOINTING GRADES AND UNPALATABLE MEALS WHICH MISTAKEN
LOSING ALL THE GAMES AND LOSING ALL THE MOOD
WHAT COULD I LOSE? WHAT COULD I HAVE?
1.11
Whatever the past might be, I could not ever change a bit.
While the future is much more touchable.
1.14
I caught in between what I want and what I have.
1.27
I don’t want to judge the game as a work.
The reality was I need to push myself from suffering.
1.28
Master now.
2.4
My affections and my delusions, all and all what I have is not you want.
FLATTER YOURSELF.
2.5
It's hard for people fell into chaos to realize his own limitations.
It's ever vomiting to admit that fact that hard work sometimes does nothing.
Nevertheless, the fact can’t consist of the excuse that accomplish nothing.
2.17
Can scientist cafe brighten me up?
I feel a sense of inferior to realize the gap between you and me now.
Fortunately it doesn't matter.
2.18
"Take a step first."
I don't want to see for that I told myself it doesn't ever change a bit.
The more inside told me the fear, the inferior.
I am not belong to this place any more.
2.19
Tangyuan and meatballs born to fall.
2.20
I told you all what I believe.
Nevertheless, It seems even I hardly rely on this creeds for lack of self-control.
2.21
I feel a bit envy but I hope this feeling may fade away.
2.23
Shanghai dargons earn the first win on the overwatch league.
HISTORY CAPTURED BOYS.POGU.
2.24
Looking forward to all these changes happened to me…
All I can is start right now.
2.25
A brand-new beginning now is ahead for me.
I will just decide just for myself.
2.27
What is worthy of doing?
If you stuck in that place without resistance, things belong to you may fade away.
I don't konw any one of you, but I can't bear a bit.
3.9
The first time to drive after getting my licence. I confess that I always act relieved but thought less with parents.
3.11
“Not choice, but habit rules the reflecting herd.”
3.12
Throw the uncertain things back and stand up rightnow.
Everyone said you can’t cause you always fall. Despite the fact that you could stand up every time.
All this is not the fate which has been defined, but the path you choose to walk on.
3.19 "The very things that in the moment dampen our moods can later be sources of intense gratification and delight."
I felt like the monster called loneliness is consuming my feeling while I didn't wanna ask for help even a bit.
3.20
I spent almost an hour choosing a phone shell cause most of them were designed for girls... Lovely animals or the beauty, even the sky and the star aren't suitable.
3.21
“If all it is eight easy words, why is so hard to say.”
3.23
I hope these feelings can be conveyed despite all of them I never trust. I never had the chance to know my grandparents since they passed away in my young age. It seems wired that the question "How did they think of me?" imprinted on my brain again and again. For my father seldom talked about them I ever know them a bit. When we pray, what exactly are we looking forward to? I just try to live today.
...